just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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