I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
