Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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