what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
