Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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