yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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