Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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