last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
