I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
