Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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