I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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