I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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