I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
