Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
