**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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