I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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