I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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