i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
