he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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