He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
