Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
