I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
