I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
