well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
