My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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