Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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