she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
