Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
