Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
