I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
