In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
