yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize