When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
