Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
