i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
