filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
