we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
this is an emotional support booty call
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
