I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
