I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
