im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
