her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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