I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
