Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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