My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
