On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize