i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
