Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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