You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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