I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize