My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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