I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
