My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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