I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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