I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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