I think my fart just growled at me.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
