Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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