i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
