I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
