Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
